CONTENT WARNING: THERE IS A MENTION OF SUICIDE IN THIS POST, PLEASE TAKE CAUTION
I'm honestly just dumbfounded. I legit just don't fucking know how I'm gonna put this into words.
There have been times where I've considered abandoning/deleting all my accounts and starting from scratch, new username and everything but I've never gone through with this because of 2 reasons:
- It would mean that I'd have to abandon the OCs I want to keep which would suck a lot, I'm way too attached to the ones I have to make new ones.
- I would have to leave all my friends I have met online and attempt to make new ones. I have pretty much no friends irl and I find it pretty hard to make friends in the first place. The people I've met online genuinely actually care, it's the only reason I can get out of bed in the morning because I know that at least SOMEONE at there actually cares about me. Far or near, it's a good feeling.
I have a pretty shitty past online, mainly when I went under the usernames "Skylandersackgirl" and "Professor Sky Kid". (yes my Newgrounds is still called ProfessorSkyKid, I made this account when still going under that handle and haven't been able to change it to Sky Kid is Awesome since I'm not a supporter.)
I've tried to move on from my past online, trying to remind myself "I'm not this person anymore, I have changed a lot" and I'm still not at peace. I have trouble accepting that I used to be a very shitty person, I think anyone would have trouble trying to admit they used to be awful.
And now to what I'd consider the most depressing part of this post.
I haven't told ANYONE about this at all but here it goes... In March, I drew an image of my online persona hanging. I don't know how else to put that without it being pretty harsh and out of nowhere. I drew it as a vent, a lot was going on at the time and yeahhh that's what resulted.
There have been times where I've looked outside my bedroom window and asked to myself "I wonder if I would die from this height if I jumped..." and then have an immediate realisation of why I'm having that thought, just absolute dread.
I have of course never gone through with suicide, mainly because I have dreams of stories I want to create and share online, I have my dream project. There is stuff to appreciate in this world, especially my friends who care about me online, some say that online friends aren't "real" friends but to me, they are real friends and always will be. So to all my friends, thank you for giving me a reason to like something about myself, you guys are the bomb.
I haven't self harmed at all and have no intention of doing so, saying this just so that no one worries.
Despite that: I honestly fucking wish I could just go back to the beginning of my life with what I know now. Back when I was just a carefree child who just liked playing LBP, Skylanders and Minecraft all day. I just wish I didn't take it all for granted, I wish I could of appreciated what I had more. I just want to go back to when my parents were still together, I just wanna go back to when I was able to go outside. But yeah that's never gonna happen, so I guess I'll just have to settle with what I have in the presnet!